"Honey, spandex is a privilege; not a right."

Immortal words from Angelina Jolie in one of the few bright spots in the movie "Hackers"

For some reason I have encountered a lot of articles detailing male fashion "mistakes". I cant recall any links at the moment, but I know I have seen them. And everyone seems to pick on men for wanting to be comfortable. Look, men dont have "fashion". Metrosexuals have fashion. Most homosexual men I have known have "fashion". Male models have "fashion". Men have clothes. We wear what we wear for a purpose. Comfort, practicality, sentimentality or humor are the only reasons we wear a given item of clothing. There is a reason that mens clothing doesnt change radically like women's do. We dont fucking care. And all these tips I see seem to have a common goal - to make me look like a hip urban business dude (metrosexual) and coincidentally, spend an assload of cash.

One thing I do not see much of is style critiques from regular men advising women. Okay sure, you could say it would be the shortest essay in the world: "Wear nothing." But really, we real men do notice things. And really somethings are just wrong. Plain wrong.

I used to have a rule. "Never look at the shoes" because it seemed as if all the women I met would be wearing the stupidest things in the world. Which brings me to my first violation: Uggs (AKA: "What the hell is eating your feet?"

Probably the least attractive footgear ever. This isnt Aspen. This sure as hell isnt Australia. Are your feet so ugly that you have to hide the ankles too? When I see these my first thought is "Wow, the marketing machine saw your dim self coming didnt it?" The second is "Jesus I bet her feet stink"

Speaking of shoes - honey, if you dont know how to walk in high heels, dont wear them. it is a skill. like any skill it takes practice. Before you go using them as man-bait or stepping out for an evening, practice at home. A woman who doesnt know how to walk in heels inevitably clumps along like she has ski-boots on or stumbles around like a drunk. but a woman who knows how to successfully navigate in them...yum.

Lets head up to the top for now. Sunglasses. What, pray tell, is up with these?

If I didnt have enough reasons to desire a painful exit from this earth for Paris Hilton and crew, now this comes along? I danced a happy dance when these went away with Jackie Bouvier-Kennedy-Onassis. Look, ladies, on many women your best feature is your eyes. A solid look right in a man's peepers will make him forget a lot of other faults - and you have to go and hide your best weapon behind a pair of manhole covers that make you look like you just had a date with Mike Tyson?

These are just plain stupid.

Every single one of us men were ridiculed for wearing pants like these. Highwaters. Floods. Whatever they were called, they were a source of ridicule because it was a clear indicator that your parents either couldnt afford or didnt have time to put you in proper clothes. And on women it screams indecision; pants? shorts? oh let's just do both. And here is a little secret...they dont make your legs look longer...they make your butt look bigger. No, really. 

And speaking of butts and stuff...I like 'em. All red-blooded males like a nice booty. It quickens our primal apeman desires. And I for one am down with Sir-Mix-a-lot. No really. I love a good set of curves on a woman. hips and boobs. Women got 'em. I like 'em. But let's get real here ladies...the fashion industry thinks you dont have any more shape than a 10 year old boy. The movie and other entertainment businesses are in full collusion with that. Will you please for the sake of our abused senses, stop trying to look like something you arent!? Look, very very few of you are build like Angelina Jolie or even J-lo. You no more look like that than I look like a cast member in "300". And you know what? It's cool. Those people are caricatures. They are prepped, processed and filtered. They have literally thousands of people who's entire job is to make those people appear to us the way they do. The rest of us with jobs, kids, mortgages, lives, careers and lawns just dont look like that.

So please dress yourself to suit your body. That model you saw in the low-rise jeans? She's 15. And she is a professional model. You are neither. by all means, try them on. Try a dozen on. but for god's sake, be honest with yourself..do you really look good in them? Or do you look like a clown's balloon animal?

Ech. This shoves your curves into all the wrong places. Belly where you dont have any, and it erases any booty curve you might have. If you got curves, use them. Dont shove them into shapes they just arent. it just looks foolish and hurts my eyes. 

Please dont hurt my eyes.