Stand up, Stand Down

Internet personas. Ah there is a meaty subject.

It is no secret that I enjoy heated debate on the net. And 99% of the
time it is goofing, entertainment. But once in a long while things get a
bit too heated. Over the years I have learned to step back and chill
before I get bent enough to think about it offline. Usually I am
successful. Occasionally it takes some effort.

The thing of the net is that it can accentuate personal traits that we
normally wouldnt show. I dont think it is because of some percieved
protection. I think it is because we dont have any of the sub-text
communication available to us when we communicate online. We dont have
the benefit of "reading" someone. We cant see facial expression, posture
or gesture. We cant hear tone or inflection. We cant smell pheromones
(assuming that is a component) which are all things we have relied on
for thousands of years in our communications. And so it is easy to cross
lines we cant even see.

Over the years of my time on the net, I have retained emails and left
postings intact so I can see how I have changed in my attitudes over the
years. My essay "Loud Pipes Rule" for example. That was written a long
time ago. Do I still feel the same? nah. Should I remove it because I
dont? Nah. It is a hashmark on the timeline that is my life.

Lets step back to that time. An online event ocurred that did much to
change my perspectives and to make me create what I call my "rules of
engagement"

I had a real set to with a feller. Big old knock down drag out cat fight
that lasted for well over a year. Looking back...it was insanely
childish. We both said some nasty things in the online world. Fst
forward a few years. This mutual loathing banked and occasionally
sparked up into a blaze in a sort of mutual PMS cycle. Then one day I
met a friend of his and he reported back to the feller I was not pleased
with. It started all over again in private and came down to a near
mutual real world ass whupping. But during that back and forth, what was
to be his final message to me before our mutual armageddon revealed the
crux of the issue. I had at some point posted something that he took to
be a serious threat on my part and it had caused him to consider whether
or not I would be at some event he wanted to attend. I was shocked and
ashamed. I was ashamed because I could not remember what it might have
been that I could have said that caused that. I was shocked and ashamed
because something I had said had affected his real life to the point
that he changed his plans because of it. I sat there a moment. I read it
all again. And then a third time. This was wrong. So I sent him back an
email telling him just that. That it was wrong of me to say something
online that would affect his real life. I had no right to do that and
the worst of it was that I couldnt remember what the hell it was. I
offered a sincere apology and oferred to make it in public and in person
if he so chose. And then if he still wanted to have a throwdown, we
could do that too. To mu surprise he graciously accepted my apology and
declared his admiration for me for offering it. We gained a lot of
respect for each other at that moment. Oh we probably won't ever be
pals. Too much bad blood for too long. But at least we werent plotting
eachother's demise any longer.

After that, I have tried to keep things within my rules of engagement:

1) you may call me any name in the book. You may discuss my failings,
spelling, logic or even sexual predilections. Creativity gets bonus points.
2) You may not bring family into the insult fest. They are
non-combatants. (sure I have had a feller make a nasty joke about my
wife earning money the old fashioned way. I replied "yes she is a sport
like that, isnt she? The dear is trying to buy me a new bike" But I
respect that others dont see it that way and so remove that from my arsenal)
3) Reposting private messages in public is cheap and the sign of a weak
player. Just dont.
4) Personal information is verboten. Respect what others choose to
reveal about themselves in that arena.

I'm not perfect. I screw it up now and again. But I do try.

But here what I consider to be the difference between a real grownup on
the net and a child (regardless of real life age). A grownup will
cheerfully tell you that you are a jerk in meatspace as readily as he
would online. A grownup will also stand up and apologize if he oversteps.

The question is...which are you?