A Fool's Progress: Can't Win For Losing

Well the day didnt turn out as bas as I expected, weather wise.

I headed south out of Ohio in a good old Seattle-style rain...relentless wet but not drowning in a torrent. Surprise, surprise...the border into West Virginia ceased the water works as if a spipgot was turned off. Why is it that both times I have entered Ohio airspace it is friggin raining?

West Virginia has got to be one of the most beautiful states in the entire US while also being depressing as hell. A genuinely grand state; sensibly high speed limits, cheap gas and stunning beauty. I made my way south for a while and then jumped off the highway for a long while. I wound my way through countless backroad towns and coal mines. I noticed that the freeway and major highways have a lot of high bridges. The roads I was on went down below the lofty concrete where I saw a lot of empty buildings, emptying buildings and leaning houses. Yes there were plenty of nice homes scattered about, but they were mixed in thoroughly amongst the squalor. I wasnt there long enough to do more than just taste the place and so I am not qualified to say anymore. But I will be back.

As I worked my way south, skimming Kentucky, Virginia and finally Tennessee; the cliches went from overwhelming to near nonexistant. I saw concrete blocks under porches. I saw half dismantled musclecars. I saw dogs in trucks.

The weasther held to Seattle standards; cloudy and cool high 50s. Works for me. I'm used to that. It kept me comfortable as I wandered the mountains. Now I know why they are called "hollers". It was like being in a huge labrynth of steep mountains with doorways hinting at deep cool passages to the sides that are begging to be explored. I have laughed at the small size of the eastern mountains. But they really are as spectacular as the giants we have in the west. They are covered in green wool and plunge deep. I felt as if I were flying among the peaks and the houses clinging to the sides were far up in the clouds like mopar draped tibetan monastaries.

Everything was going so well that something bad had to happen. It just is the way of this ride. Nothing to do but man-up and take it. I hit Kentucky and its ludicrous 55mph limit on the sasme road I had been on for 45 minutes at 75 in West Virginia. Now you cant expect a guy who has been traveling at 75 or 80 without issue for the better part of 2 weeks to suddenly hold it at 55. Sure enough...I got caught napping. My fault. Long downhill stretch and I let the MPH get up and focused on the copper who had a customer and wasnt looking for the partner headed at me in the opposing lanes. Tagged and bagged I was. The officer was professional. Simply wrote me up and sent me away. No trick questions. No lectures. As usual, when I asked permission to retrieve my license he was taken aback. He asked why I was asking..did I have a weapon? No...I just dont like making cops nervous and so I always ask before doing something. 13 over. 151 bucks. Ouch. But what really griped me was that the fine
was a mere 26 bucks. The court costs were 125. What kind of bullshit is that? Just make te damned fine 151 and dont play happy horseshit games. Bah. A pox on Kentucky...and Virginia for having stupid speed limits and cops pushed in to zealotry. To be clear..I dont blame the cop. I was bagged fair and square.

Virginia trotted out sunshine to light up the scenery as if to apologize for her sister state. Nothing doing. No forgive. You suck. Never coming back.

Oh before I forget...One good thing about Ohio...the state patrol have the coolest logo. A wheel with wings. 'nuff said.

Tennesee arrived none too soon under my wheels. Sane speed limits again. I whooped it up and aimed for Knoxville.

No sooner than I got gassed up and rolling when the handling went woozy. Awwww shiiiiit. The rear had gone flat. Clutch in. Just kissing the brakes...slow glide to a stop.

So there I was....by the side of an interstate, 3000 miles from home with a flat tire... it was getting dark and I was still dressed for cool and 55 degrees...it was 70 and as humid as a fat lady's panties at a Chippendale's show. With all the gear on the bike and the tire flat, I couldnt hoist the beast onto the center stand. So While holding the bike up with my hip, I discharged cargo. Then the LED head light and the tools came out. I had just gotten the wheel off when a pickup showed up. Steve fron the local Christian Motorcyclist Association s5topped to offer help. In the end the best thing he could do was to offer a sympathetic ear and put some hazard lights between me and tghe traffic si I didnt get whacked by an errant semi.

I decided to just go straight for the new tube and patch the hole later and keep it as a spare. 45 minutes of wrestling in the dirt and I had it ready to air up. Only it wouldnt. Seems that in my haste to get it done in the dark, I had managed to pinch the tube and hole the spare. Dandy. So I called for a truck and 45 minutes later the bike and I were safely at the Best Western Econo lodge.

After a bit of food and a beer I tacked the wheel. I patched both tubes and remouonted the mess. It seems to be holding air. We'll see how it goes. If it doesnt work, I am in for a long weekend in beautiful Kingsford Tennessee as I waith for sunday and memorial day to expire and the cycle shop to open on tuesday.

With that done..I took note of my surroundings. For a national chain this place is a dump. Paint is splattered everywhere; like it was applied with a drinking straw by a crack crazed chimp. The floor appears to have never been vacuumed. Half the lights are burned out. The smoke alarm is hanging by wires. And what appears to be a used, wadded baby wipe is stuck to the curtains. Next door we have a large family who are either residing at the hotel or this is the memorial weekend destination. By nearest count there are at least 5 complete with Boomhower accents and copious beer drinking. Mom really really wanted me to sit and drink with her. I wasnt sure which of me she was talking to. I also wondered how her next child, already filling her belly, liked miller lite.

Then just to cap the day off...as I sat to write this, there came a hammering at my door...FIRE. Aw jeeze. Sure enough... A cadillac hoopty about 40 feet from my room was shiooting flames 15 feet into the air. Fortunately the fire dudes put it out before it could catch the building on fire.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Nighty night.